Oh Damn..

Now officially begins the most hectic week in my life so far..i don't know what it's gonna throw at me summore..so far, i've been through bombings, sarcasm, people's unmet high expectations, drama, crazy optimism, a mental breakdown and some more unwanted drama..it has come to the point where doing housework is so much better than looking at a blank piece of paper..

My nightmare begins:
Monday: Last minute preparations for S&P workshop, practice for both S&P and P&D performances, linguistic, philosophy, reflection, teaching kit
Tuesday: S&P performance, practice for P&D linguistic, philosophy, reflection and teaching kit
Wednesday: P&D performance, linguistic, philosophy, reflection, teaching kit
Thursday: linguistic, teaching kit
Friday: teaching kit
Saturday: teaching kit
Sunday: Teaching kit
Monday: Debriefing of S&P workshop
Tuesday: HOPEFULLY freedom...

if you hear a loud sigh of relief nex week den u can bet it will be me...d sigh of silence before the thunderstorm of crazyness..(people who know me well will know what i mean here)

im on the brink of exhaustion..even sleep doesn't befriend me these days..

Just some random ramblings..

Please excuse my english and jokes here..only 1/20 of my brain is working at the moment..

Marley and Me was a heart warming and touching movie..it doesn't really follow the book but all the same, people cried while watching the movie...

Marley and Me 1: Ok, I'll admit it, I did want to cry, especially when Marley was put to sleep..but, haih..he was like, "Nessa the girl beside you is crying and her boyfriend is like panicking cuz he doesn't know what to do (LOL)...and the two ladies at the other side, they are crying as well...juz now talking so much now crying so much (haha!)" That really made me stop feeling so emotional..hmm, how do you think the feeling is, being emotional but laughing at the same time? Paranoid, crazy? nope, just plain silly..so of course I coudn't cry anymore. he would be like "now you also crying ar..hahaha". but i bet you he wanted to cry as well (hahahaha! sorry, had to do that..bluek!). however, thanks to someone who thought that discussing a college matter 10.30 at night, i missed like 30 minutes of the movie..haih..

Marley and Me 2: also almost cried this time but managed to control myself cuz I already knew the happy and sad parts..this time round, people were crying even louder than when I watched it the first time...lots of sobbing from the back portion of the hall..the 2 girls on my left were like "sob..sob..sedihnye...sedihnye..alamak..dah mati dah.." hehe..and they were sitting at the left row..not really beside me...so you can guess how loud they were crying and narrating the movie to the whole hall which supposedly were deaf and dumb since they felt the need to narrate the whole movie..

dog lovers will love this movie. even if you aren't one, you should go watch it..see how the bond between human and animal can be such a strong one. hey, if 9 and 13 yr old girls could cry from watching it, what does that say to you about the movie? ( I just realised that ive just done some promoting for the movie...i shall contact them later for payment..lame, i know)

i think the seating arrangement in Tony Roma's at pavilion is so wrong..especially the booths. how do you expect people to eat facing other people? no privacy and you noe, its like so kekok looking at people eating and feeling people lookin at you gorging every morseful of food on your plate (was it my fault? i was so damn hungry and had to have some meat..) the place is absolutely not conducive for dates..pay the place a visit and you will get what im saying..

the chocolate lounge is like so amazing..especially for a chocolate fanatic like me..everything chocolate! the hot chocolate is so wonderful...puts you in a state of bliss..hehe..but didn't like it that they charged extra for the warmer..but i think its worth the price cuz the hot chocolate stayed warm and so did my state of bliss..

there are these people working damn hard at the Bukit Bintang monorail station, persuading you to open these Mega Sale cards which, if you get one with a scratch tingy, you might win great prizes (wow!)! i only got one with a thank you but he got one with the scratch thingy..but we knew this is a scam-my thing which will only lead you to buy more things..so we politely refused (after he told us in his thick chinese accented malay - aiyo miss, lu cina ar? lu tak tengok macam cina wor..lu tengok macam itu olang ada mix blood punya wor...[wakakaka] and when i told him that i am indeed a chinese, he gave me this face of such disbelief {u shoud have seen his face!} which would have put the geekiest person in earth who discovered the latest tech-y gadget to shame) and he got so mad at us cuz he thought we were wasting such an opportunity by not scratching the gray thing..he walked back shouting hokkien profanities..(!) we just had a good laugh...~evil~

things ive learnt this week:
1) sleeping in a bus can be very therapeutic for some people (sorry!)
2) there are some people who actually think that wearing a nice bareback dress with swede boots and a sports bag are appropriate for a date and the movies
3) im no more such a chocoholic
4) the McD near GSC in MV is too crowded
5) Q Bistro is where you meet the same people (in a good way)
6) Being such a good girl is so not me..
7) life could actually be that much better and happier
8) i really need some shut eye
9) I hate interviews
10) i'm so sick of wearing heels

i think i should stop here before a new wave of ramblings manifests itself in my brain

~vanny~

a new lease of life

my rainbow seemed nonexistent
it was beautifully broken
to a point where i enjoyed sorrowful joy

then the rainy season came
it brought mud, moss and lots of sorrow
however, along with the cold,
it brought my rainbow back

awoken it was by the sun
the sun - a realization, a dawn, a new lease of life
thank you sun..for bringing me my rainbow back

it will be nothing simple or easy
my rainbow had and still has lots to endure
but i will not force it
to be there for me in the sky
i will take it on a slow ride across space..
because even rainbows need time to grow, reflect and blossom

my rainbow is my place of security, solitude and protection
if anything were to happen to it again after i have gotten it back
- i will only be thrusted deeper into the misty lands of the unknown

then...

i will disappear..
evaporate..
because life will mean nothing to me anymore

Beautifully Broken

It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday I didnt know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow I may not get by
But I will try
I will try to wipe the tears from my eyes

I'm beautifully broken and I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken and I don't care if I show it

Every day is a new day I'm reminded of my past
Everytime theres another storm I know that it wont last
Every moment I'm filled with hope
cause i get another chance
But I will try I will try
Got nothing left to hide

Without the highs and the lows
Where will we go?
Where will we go?

I am beautifully broken, I am beautifully broken
I am beautifully broken and I don't care if I show it

Oh no..

Im back to square one
i really do not know what to do or think
my insides just crumbled again
i don't know whether it crumbled from happiness or hurt
now i have to rebuild it again
this time from nothing
cuz i have nothing left
except for that little glimmer of hope
which was fading by the milisecond
but what? now it has been given a new lease of life?

that little glimmer of hope is so confusing
one time it says this, another that
who am i to believe
my intuition
my heart
my mind
or you?

i really do not know what to do
i didn't know life could turn around and pull this on me
i don't want it to make me feel happy and betrayed at the same time
right now i only want to take care of myself

myself
myself
myself

I am the most important thing right now

not this, or that or everything else

it has always been - give it some time
how much time?
i won't be here forever

if you want it
then get it with a true heart and with feelings that are nothing but pure and sacred
do not play around with it
you might just lose it

i am so lost

i don't know what to do

i thought i had it under control

then came that little glimmer of hope

now i have dropped deeper into the misty lands of the unknown

no one can help me

i am all by myself

except for that glimmer of hope

why...WHY?

i want that glimmer of hope to shine brighter than the brightest star
i want that glimmer of hope to make miracles happen
only the miracles that i hope would happen

that glimmer of hope has showed me only the tip of my miracle
i want it to show me, give me more
but i'm scared that it will dessert me yet again

im all alone

only God can help me now

other than that I will just have to keep telling myself that i only have to be myself
cuz only when i do that will i be sane...

how dare you
how dare you
how dare you

i don't ever wanna see your face here again

you have no right having a say in my life

i don't want your opinions or you thoughts

just stay away

A Situation

Guys help me out here. I need to figure this out.

(Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with me or my personal life, OK. Just helping a friend in need)

There is A
There is B
There is C

A is a girl (oh yes, it's one of these kind of situations..)
B and C are guys.

A used to be with B
Now they are best friends

A met C and now they are best friends too
A thinks that C likes her but is not entirely sure because he drops hints but she doesn't want to be too hopeful
A thinks that she likes C however C doesn't meet her expectations
But A thinks that C is such a nice guy.

B and C might know each other
Because C's best friend used to be B's housemate

A, somewhere deep in her heart still cares for and has feelings for B - although not as strong as before..but it's still there
A is afraid that B will find out about C and not be happy
A doesn't want B to get angry with her
Because B is not on good terms with C's best friend which used to be his housemate

But A wants to let go of B and be happy with C
She is just afraid that the both of them will end up not being happy with her

What to do?

(Again, please bear in mind the disclaimer above. I am just helping a friend in need)

The Inside of Me - Emancipated

I've said it before and I'll say it again..
Being myself was the only thing I could do and be sane
And by being myself I have rediscovered my soul, my wants and my needs
I didn't realise that by being myself I could feel so free
I didn't realise that by being myself I could feel so at ease with the world
..especially you..
..emancipated..

I smile more these days
I laugh more these days
I talk with a happy heart these days
I don't feel so burdened these days
Unburdened of time, attitude and studies
I smile more these days..

I don't have to care if people say things
Because right now nothing is true
Because I know that it doesn't apply to me even though they think it does
I smile in satisfaction when I see things that they don't
I know you smile too
But behind it I can see that you are uncomfortable
Because what they say, you don't like
Because what they think, you don't like
Smile all you want
But I know what's going through your mind

Can't you see I'm so happy now
Can't you see how tall I am now - the burdens on my shoulders are not pulling me down anymore
Maybe this should have happened a long time ago

I didn't realise how all of this would open so many doors for me
Now i see a clearer view of the whole picture
I have not forgotten what you said about seeing the whole picture
Because you turned around and went against your words

It's ok however
The world is at my feet
Now its my turn to explore it and make my own mistakes and decisions
You will still be there
But only as an observer

I smile more these days..

~Vanny has officially let go~