Sorrowful Joy

how should I describe it?
where should I start?
confusing? stupid? downright wrong?
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times have been hard on me
when i thought that i was done with it
i remember and i come back to square one

it's really difficult
for me to remember everything
i go into a mode of depression
even the security and comfort of my 'little corner' doesn't entice me
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people think they know everything that is happening
they think that one is being used and the other useless
but things have such a deeper meaning and you only see the surface
you don't understand the things that go on at the bottom of the endless pit of sorrowful joy
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i have come to that point
where i enjoy sorrowful joy
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people close to me have been trying to help me
move me back to the right path
i thank them so much
but things are easier said, told than done
and i am stubborn
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the world is so unfair
i wish it never happened
(and here only i myself will know what i am talking about)
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i need help
only from one person
however
i also need freedom
also from the same person
only when this person sees what i am really going through inside will this person give me the help and freedom i need
~sad~
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in front of you i smile
a mere facade
but inside i cry
the blades of my tears slowly slicing my heart away
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..disintegrating..