Life Decorated

bad dream

2011-10-12T21:03:00.002+08:00

had a very very bad dream yesterday..all my fears were in it..i guess my brain was telling me that i still had these fears in me..that i still have not let go of them even though i thought i had..the result was a bad day, pretending that i didn't know what was bothering me when i perfectly knew why..how i wish we could talk about it and put a close to it..

Still going strong

2011-08-09T17:45:00.002+08:00

the one thing i will always regret

2011-07-15T23:04:00.001+08:00

is how i never made myself to like caressing those white keys pieced together by black

"What am I gonna do with you for so long?!"

2011-03-30T18:37:00.000+08:00

Seriously?

Thank You for making our life hell

2011-03-19T17:25:00.003+08:00

If your life is not as fun and meaningful as ours, then don't come and menyemak, trying to spoil it..

Are you really that dumb to not notice that we are all avoiding you?

Two kisses for you

2011-03-10T23:22:00.001+08:00

<3 <3 <3

I am wasting myself

2011-03-10T22:42:00.005+08:00

I thought I would never get jealous

oh well..

I thought I was making you feel more welcomed

that backfired..

It has come to a point where everybody's needs are above mine

well done, Vanessa

Vincci is my thing

2010-12-02T00:26:00.006+08:00

You think I'm pretty without any make up on

You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong

I know you get me, so I let my walls come down

2010-07-23T00:02:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wish I could say I hate you for all the things you've done to me..and for all its repercussions..

Cuz sometimes the truth hurts..
real bad..

and you can just go anytime you want..
cuz you did mention it more than once..

somebody kill me~

2010-07-10T22:59:00.003+08:00

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know,
I know

28/12/2008

I'll Remember to Make Sure that Everything is Laid Out before Presenting It to You

2010-06-20T23:19:00.004+08:00

it was too much time together yesterday that made it all too unbearable today..
cuz it only took that one little thing to spark it all off..
just because of that, i was blamed..
but didn't you think that
i've been doing all the thinking for you lately..
that a little slip there was forgivable?

you rush in your judgement of me..
the fact is,
you don't trust me in these matters..
cuz i always don't do things the right way..
the right way= how you want things to be/be done..

so what am i to do now?

i think i may be having a mild hangover

2010-05-23T14:59:00.002+08:00

and a ringing sound in my ears..

one of the things i remember most about our night out on the streets yesterday was when he cried during the closing song. he told me he loves me very much. as high as i was, i couldn't stop but shed some tears myself. no guy has ever made me feel so loved and appreciated. he is my everything. he trusts me and is with me through thick and thin.

you looked so good yesterday.

i am blessed to have you as the love of my life.

When I Miss You

2010-04-21T19:06:00.003+08:00

I Always Have Spicy Chicken McDeluxe at McDonald's

I Always Eat Our Favourite Spaghetti and Fruit Waffle in KLCC

I Always Get A Book And Sit At The Comics Section To Read It

I Always Listen to Our Song

I Always Notice White Satrias

I Always Watch '24'

Because These Are The Things You Like
And In A Way, It Brings Me Closer To You When We Are Apart

2010-03-08T18:51:00.002+08:00

just when i thought everything was ok again

just when i thought i could finally let go of everything in that corner of my heart

it had to happen again..

but i am always there for you

i get upset easily

so it takes time for me to understand what you are trying to tell me

your feelings, thoughts and wants

but when it clicks, i am always there for you

i'm sorry baybee

i'll be a better person

and i love you

i'm a very impossible person, i know

u need time to forget, i need time to be a better person

and sometimes i can be so clueless you feel like banging your head on the wall

but

we're always there for each other right?

i don't want to take us for granted

i hope you will understand
and forgive whatever i said..

Why

2010-03-01T21:45:00.003+08:00

is there always a trail of ants going into the girls' toilet?

do we always fall asleep during lectures?

is everyone aiming for perfection when we are all
special in our own way?

am i always doubting myself?

I am good enough
smart enough
beautiful enough
...
...
...
thanks for showing me

Families

2010-02-22T23:00:00.007+08:00

are meant to stick together

something so sacred to me right now

disappointment fails me
in my bid to explain to you how i feel

because families are meant to stick together
no one gets left behind

i know i haven't been playing my part

but please

lets just stop all of this

and shatter the glass of pride blocking us all from each other
...
...
...
i just want to be emancipated from all of this

I Know

2010-01-23T20:08:00.002+08:00

I know you had a decision to make
cuz she treated you exceptionally well
and i was just a not so pretty gal
she was beautiful
and i didn't know how to treat you right
she knew how to sweet talk you
but i didn't
instead
i just believed in true love

i know you had a decision to make
cuz she was the sociable and out-going one
with lots of friends
while i just sat in my corner

it was a long time ago you said
how i wish that was true
even now you still lie to me
cuz if it was a long time ago
why didn't i see it that day when all was found out?

i know you had a decision to make
so why choose me
if all the right directions pointed to her?

Remember

2010-01-16T21:04:00.015+08:00

when we used to walk back to our hostels everyday*

when everyone thought that i was jealous because I wasn't chosen to be your 'Queen'*

the crazy things we always do in bookshops*

when we took your car for its very first spin*

when we used to go to jusco cuz we did not want to hang out in college*

when we always gave the correct answers in class*

when i missed you so much*

****

Oh Well~

2010-01-12T22:35:00.002+08:00

screw the finding of leadership articles, reading of assessment notes and other nonsensical assignments now..

my late ah kong, whenever he bought groceries, would write the date he purchased those items and paste them onto the items. all the jam bottles, margarine tubs, sesame seed oil bottles and shampoos had dates stuck on them.

~kinda makes sense now the logic of doing that~

Aamir Khan looks good in his latest movie..

generally, all actors who have 'khan' in their names look good~ (except shah rukh khan-he's too commercialized)

a guy wrote in the papers that all cinemas in malaysia should have a 5min interval during shows (just like what they are doing in India now) so that audiences can have a toilet break or stretch their bodies and also to avoid the occurence of deep-vein trombosis (tabib you mr. newspaper article).

i think i am in love with the indian culture, esp the punjabi one~ u noe why~

have we really gained independence when we behave like this?

2009-09-01T16:43:00.003+08:00

its the day after our country's independence but already there is a story that makes me wonder whether we were really ready for it. i read an article on

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/afp/20090830/tap-malaysia-religion-islam
-hinduism-0193655.html

and it just made me shake my head..why would people do such things?
where is the 1malaysia concept that has been and is continuously being promoted by the government? haven't they had enough time to absorb the fact that we are all Malaysians even though we have different races and religions. we shouldn't even be saying we have different races and religions anymore. so what if we have different races and religions. we are still Malaysians and should be protecting each other, not hurting one another. Have you been looking at your MyKads lately? under the title warganegara? Malaysian.i know how it feels like to be discriminated upon..you know who i mix with..and it hurts let me tell you that, to not be accepted by everyone. even mixed-race relationships shouldn't be frowned upon. this is where we are unique, this is where we are all Malaysians.

but then again, this is my own personal opinion..

world revolving and features of behaviourism

2009-08-12T22:46:00.003+08:00

you know, i didn't know there existed people who are so selfish and demanding till today in college. oh wait, let's add unreasonable, full of drama and downright dumb. i mean like, don't you know that other people have feelings as well? ok, i know i'm not like directly at the receiving end but hey, don't stare at me as though i was the one who didn't obey your commands. come on la, you are so demanding and bossy. if you don't hear something you like, you go and sulk. if someone says something you don't like, you stomp your feet and walk out of class. if your points were not used in discussions, you slam your hand on the table and shout about how unsatisfied you are. we have ears too ok. we know you're talking about us from a mile away due to your loud voice. here's a tip: if you want to talk bad about people either do it right in front of their faces or talk softly if it's behind their backs. don't shout and make your own self look bad and needy in front of everyone. the world does not revolve around you.. oh yeah, and please tell this to your other friends who are behaving as bad as you are..they are no different than you. and stop the staring at people when you're unsatisfied with them..you're not the only one with the 'powers' to do such things..contacts help but my eyes are much better at doing this au naturel

you can boss me around how much you want but let me tell you something
a) i'm no dictionary or spell-check on microsoft word
b) i can make friends with whoever i want and will defend them as i see fit
c) don't you ever judge me by the people i mix with
d) you do not want to see me when i'm in the mood for a verbal and maybe physical fit

if you're reading this and think i'm talking about you then good for you. if you're feeling angry about what i have said then i've done good for the world since now you know how you actually behave in public and how much you take people for granted. i hope the world will be much more peaceful after this. it's time you gave due credit to the right people.

Kudos to Faiz for his spectacular performance in 2.2 today. no one in our cohort will be able to beat you or master the intricacies of what you do..lol..there will be more to come i hope.. :-)

..congrats to my sweetheart..

2009-07-26T22:33:00.002+08:00

you were a real inspiration to many
you epitomized in your works the meaning of 1Malaysia
you help to catapult our country to the top and show its diverse cultures to the world
you were humble, patient, brave and truthful

what are we to do without you now?

you have left us far too soon..

may you rest in peace
always know that you are in our minds and hearts

missing you already..

Bee

2009-07-02T12:54:00.002+08:00

i know i am always shrouded with insecurity
because of what happened
because of how strongly i feel about you

you think i like feeling like this?
you think i have fun with the bloody thoughts in my head?
you think i like what i did that day?-till you and i were both hurt..

thanks for trusting me
thanks for forgetting it so easily
thanks for being with me all the time
even when i misbehave

we were meant to be intertwined
with love, trust and hope
i'm trying very hard
to let myself let loose
instead of being so uptight and insecure

i love you baybee..
let the whole world know
let them think of this however they want
because what i'm saying here has an underlying meaning
let them look at it literally
only you and me will know what i really mean here

can't wait to see you later
you always make me smile and feel so protected when i'm in your arms
thanks baybee

LOVE YOU

..no matter what they say..

shojikiyu..

2009-06-03T13:11:00.006+08:00

i don't have the most beautiful face
i don't have the most silky hair
i don't have the most pretty eyes
i don't have the smoothest skin
i don't wear 'hot' clothes
i don't have the best attitude
i don't have such a shining personality

i have never done anything to my hair
even make-up i need to unravel its mysteries
my nails are constantly in need of care
i never go out at night
i always have to stay at home
my clothes are in just a shameful state

i know there are other people better than me
much
MUCH
BETTER

so why me?
what do i have?
what do you see in me that's so intriguing?
don't you tend to do comparisons and wish i was better?
don't you wish that i was someone else?

you tell me this, but i believe that
i see things, signs everywhere and interpret it as
that I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU
i never will be..

i know you hope that i will be someone more than i am now
and it tears my heart when i think that i cannot be that person

i don't want to think about this anymore
tears cloud my eyes everytime

this is the remnants of the heartbreak of not-so-long-ago
open your eyes..it's still there
i'm finding it very hard to love myself again

Tagged

2009-05-13T16:32:00.003+08:00

Here we go..

1. What's your ambition?
Something that was rare..something that not a lot of people had..but was very interested in hotel management.

2. Who is more important for you. friend or boy/girl friend?
Both..my boy friend is my best friend and what is life without friends?

3. How often do you think of committing suicide?
only once before...

4. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Nope. But if the circumstances require me to, even I can surprise myself with my level of confidence.

5. How many babies do you want?
2-3 (;-P)

6. Favourite perfume/fragrance?
Narcisso Rodriguez and Daisy by Marc Jacobs.

7. What's your goal for this year?
to save money to get something big ;-)

8. Do you believe in eternity love?
Yes

9. What's a perfect partner to you?
Someone who accepts you for who you are, no matter what, imperfections and all..and someone who makes you feel like you're the only one in their eyes..someone who thinks that you have pure beauty..(excuse my level of emo-ness)..love you baby..

10. What feeling do you love most?
Extreme happiness when you are with the ones you love the most.

11. What is your bad habit?
(tell me..)

12. Is there anything you want to tell people that hate you?
You don't know the real story of my life..whatever you hate about me is your own fault and problem..

13. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
definitely

14. Describe yourself?
I'm a wallflower. But i will stand out when I need to

15. What do you crave the most currently?
Undisturbed time

16. What's currently on your mind?
sleep

17. What would you really like to do, like right now?
Sleep!

18. What will you become in another 10 years to come?
happily married with a job that doesn't suck and bore me to hell..

19. What do you hate the most?
People who think that they are so perfect and that their rules in life and their way of living should be practiced by all.

20. Who else do you want to answer these?
anyone who wants to..

2009-04-28T22:50:00.002+08:00

Call me emo..

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We might have took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothing better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missing

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby

comparisons

2009-04-28T00:30:00.002+08:00

comparisons are easily made
i like to compare
it's taking over me
you don't think about it

but i do

all the time..

i can't help but make comparisons
about everything from the tip to the tail
it's hard for me to let go of that phase
it tugs at my heart
tearing it slowly

your reaction to it is as though it never happened
you dismiss it everytime i bring it up
i'm jealous, hurt and sometimes wish i wasn't in the picture at all

open up your eyes
see what i am going through
no more drama, please; i've had enough of it
open up your eyes and see how much i am doubting myself

because i am jealous
and i make comparisons..

i need you to show me
i need you to reassure me
i need you to to always be there for me

and not make any comparisons..

i'm trying my best

but it just keeps popping up at unexpected places and times
it~comparisons
it~person

i'm trying my best
it's time you tried your best too

because nothing lasts forever..

materiality

2009-04-27T21:35:00.004+08:00

Material things do not do justice to what you and me have
But i thought it's just appropriate to flaunt some of it (~hehe~)
of course you gave me all of it (yes you, the one and only)

2009-04-16T23:24:00.003+08:00

i salute whoever can read my next post with an open mind
when you can and finally do, you will realise that im talking about something totally innocent
you have been forewarned..

~This is what heaven must feel like~

2009-04-16T23:16:00.003+08:00

i finally got a taste of you
your sexy slivers
how i cherished that bite of your round-ended crunch
and the white creamy stuff
just heavenly..

how green you looked when you were in front of me..
giving yourself to me..because that was fate...
and i could control which one i wanted first..

i was craving for you for far too long
finally..finally..
it was time

i hope i will be able to see you again soon
to taste you all over again
cherish your sweetness
and i sweat waiting in the anticipation of you..

;-)

2009-04-09T22:18:00.001+08:00

need i say more?

thanks bby..muax!

2009-04-07T16:07:00.002+08:00

Are you feeling as though you are on the other side of the fence now?
the side where the perks are no more
the side where you realise a hundred eyes are on you
where a thousand mouths talk about you
the side where i was once before

it's so ironic that only now you bother to do what you are doing
it doesn't bother me one bit
people might say this
they might say that
but i think i know what truth there is left

we know that we are not to be blamed
only one person
but you hurt me
so in the end, you are also to be blamed

i will show you now what you showed me before
i will show you how much you hurt me
i will reciprocate with the same amount of hurt
you owe me seconds..big time

people say my blog is where i pour all my feelings out because..
i don't dare do it in real life
let me tell you this cuz i bet you have heard this as well
i do it here because i don't want to hurt the person i care for the most
i hope you know that here i am talking about YOU
cuz 'you're so vain, you'd probably think (anyway) this (post) is about you,
you're so vain, you probably think this (post) is about you,
don't you? don't you?'

i knew i would win..and i did..

Talentime

2009-04-04T12:48:00.004+08:00

Went to watch Talentime yesterday..in my own words, this is a freaking good movie..you guys should really go and see it. it will touch your soul because it portrays the very reality that is malaysia and how the different races react to one another. Yasmin has managed to show us how we are interwoven into each other's lives even if we do not realise it..i don't have the right words to explain it to u but just go and watch it. you will know what I mean. Kudos Yasmin Ahmad..you have done something that makes me proud to be a Malaysian. we need more people like you..oh! and we saw Adibah Noor in the cinema watching the movie wit us..and she cried watching the movie as well..even this big sized macho guy and most of the people in the hall were crying..that shows how touching the story was..the woman who was sitting on my left? she didn't even bat an eyelid..she didn't laugh or cry for the entire movie..she just sat there lik a slab of concrete..well, she mus be one due to the fact that she stepped on my toes (twice!) everytime she wanted to go to or get out of her seat (ouch!) and she didn't even say sorry..this is for her - "I wasn't wearing shoes of steel ok until i couldn't feel you stepping on my toes! i was just wearing ordinary sandals where the toes of my feet were exposed..to your concrete legs! the least you could do was to say sorry and feel embarrassed..

haih...don't cry..you don't have to hide behind that facade..stand tall and just admit that you did..then we can sing it together..come on, i know you know what i mean by sing it together..~O re piya~ bluek! ;-) see, i told you it would be a nice movie..

ok..will give you due credit..(hehe) he was such a gentleman to sacrifice his longing to see fast and furious for me cuz i wanted to watch talentime. even though when i kept telling him how bad i felt he still insisted that he wanted to watch talentime and that fast and furious is juz another movie which can be watched some other time..thanks sayang! but i think he made it up to himself when he bought two wolverine comics that he wanted so badly..was happy for him cuz it's rare for him to get things that he really wants..most of the time he just follows me around getting what i want..so really, thanks hunny!

so due to the blurness that is Vanessa, i had to go to the loo and i cooly walked into the men's toilet (!!!) could you blame me? the guy logo looked like it had a skirt..i kinda thought for a split second when i saw the guys in there ( hey! i didn't see anything i wasn't supposed to ok!) like 'hey, what are they doing here?' then it hit me again - 'oh shyt!' and i quickly made a u-turn that would make Lewis Hamilton jealous haha! one question though..why is the guys toilet so blue? it looks so gloomy and sad..blue lights everywer..no wonder guys don't spend so much time in the toilet! gurls...mystery solved..nex time your guy complains that you spend so much time in the toilet, invite him to ours and we'll see who spends the longest time..haha..seriously, i think the girl's toilet looks more inviting..

enough of toilets!...

we went to eat at sushi zanmai yesterday in gardens..hmm..din lik it there generally..the service, the food, the quality..it was so hard for me to order one simple green tea! i think people go there for the steamboat soup thingy..will try that the nex time we decide to go there. so far, sakae sushi is better even though the food can be a bit pricey..better quality, better staff n better food make the experience a better one instead of the one we got in zanmai..

oh and anyone who comes across any hot wheels cars that have the green strip please tell me..wanna make someone happy..

while lining up for a taxi, there was this couple in front of us and the lady's cigarette burned the guy's backpack and she was lik im so sorry..the guy then said 'yea, now you have to pay me 200 bucks' and the woman exploded 'I'm your wife ok!' then they went on and on, she kept looking at his bag, he kept lookin at her in a way i will nvr let my sayang do to me..and the way the woman dressed..you would be wondering what the husband saw in her...her hair, her face...it was just...wow..

and q bistro is wer all the perverts congregate at night..beware..seriously..

guys, there is this short movie that Yasmin Ahmad made for the Singapore government..go watch it..touches your heart..
http://yasminthefilmmaker.blogspot.com/

Oh Damn..

2009-03-29T22:55:00.003+08:00

Now officially begins the most hectic week in my life so far..i don't know what it's gonna throw at me summore..so far, i've been through bombings, sarcasm, people's unmet high expectations, drama, crazy optimism, a mental breakdown and some more unwanted drama..it has come to the point where doing housework is so much better than looking at a blank piece of paper..

My nightmare begins:
Monday: Last minute preparations for S&P workshop, practice for both S&P and P&D performances, linguistic, philosophy, reflection, teaching kit
Tuesday: S&P performance, practice for P&D linguistic, philosophy, reflection and teaching kit
Wednesday: P&D performance, linguistic, philosophy, reflection, teaching kit
Thursday: linguistic, teaching kit
Friday: teaching kit
Saturday: teaching kit
Sunday: Teaching kit
Monday: Debriefing of S&P workshop
Tuesday: HOPEFULLY freedom...

if you hear a loud sigh of relief nex week den u can bet it will be me...d sigh of silence before the thunderstorm of crazyness..(people who know me well will know what i mean here)

im on the brink of exhaustion..even sleep doesn't befriend me these days..

Just some random ramblings..

2009-03-20T22:08:00.005+08:00

Please excuse my english and jokes here..only 1/20 of my brain is working at the moment..

Marley and Me was a heart warming and touching movie..it doesn't really follow the book but all the same, people cried while watching the movie...

Marley and Me 1: Ok, I'll admit it, I did want to cry, especially when Marley was put to sleep..but, haih..he was like, "Nessa the girl beside you is crying and her boyfriend is like panicking cuz he doesn't know what to do (LOL)...and the two ladies at the other side, they are crying as well...juz now talking so much now crying so much (haha!)" That really made me stop feeling so emotional..hmm, how do you think the feeling is, being emotional but laughing at the same time? Paranoid, crazy? nope, just plain silly..so of course I coudn't cry anymore. he would be like "now you also crying ar..hahaha". but i bet you he wanted to cry as well (hahahaha! sorry, had to do that..bluek!). however, thanks to someone who thought that discussing a college matter 10.30 at night, i missed like 30 minutes of the movie..haih..

Marley and Me 2: also almost cried this time but managed to control myself cuz I already knew the happy and sad parts..this time round, people were crying even louder than when I watched it the first time...lots of sobbing from the back portion of the hall..the 2 girls on my left were like "sob..sob..sedihnye...sedihnye..alamak..dah mati dah.." hehe..and they were sitting at the left row..not really beside me...so you can guess how loud they were crying and narrating the movie to the whole hall which supposedly were deaf and dumb since they felt the need to narrate the whole movie..

dog lovers will love this movie. even if you aren't one, you should go watch it..see how the bond between human and animal can be such a strong one. hey, if 9 and 13 yr old girls could cry from watching it, what does that say to you about the movie? ( I just realised that ive just done some promoting for the movie...i shall contact them later for payment..lame, i know)

i think the seating arrangement in Tony Roma's at pavilion is so wrong..especially the booths. how do you expect people to eat facing other people? no privacy and you noe, its like so kekok looking at people eating and feeling people lookin at you gorging every morseful of food on your plate (was it my fault? i was so damn hungry and had to have some meat..) the place is absolutely not conducive for dates..pay the place a visit and you will get what im saying..

the chocolate lounge is like so amazing..especially for a chocolate fanatic like me..everything chocolate! the hot chocolate is so wonderful...puts you in a state of bliss..hehe..but didn't like it that they charged extra for the warmer..but i think its worth the price cuz the hot chocolate stayed warm and so did my state of bliss..

there are these people working damn hard at the Bukit Bintang monorail station, persuading you to open these Mega Sale cards which, if you get one with a scratch tingy, you might win great prizes (wow!)! i only got one with a thank you but he got one with the scratch thingy..but we knew this is a scam-my thing which will only lead you to buy more things..so we politely refused (after he told us in his thick chinese accented malay - aiyo miss, lu cina ar? lu tak tengok macam cina wor..lu tengok macam itu olang ada mix blood punya wor...[wakakaka] and when i told him that i am indeed a chinese, he gave me this face of such disbelief {u shoud have seen his face!} which would have put the geekiest person in earth who discovered the latest tech-y gadget to shame) and he got so mad at us cuz he thought we were wasting such an opportunity by not scratching the gray thing..he walked back shouting hokkien profanities..(!) we just had a good laugh...~evil~

things ive learnt this week:
1) sleeping in a bus can be very therapeutic for some people (sorry!)
2) there are some people who actually think that wearing a nice bareback dress with swede boots and a sports bag are appropriate for a date and the movies
3) im no more such a chocoholic
4) the McD near GSC in MV is too crowded
5) Q Bistro is where you meet the same people (in a good way)
6) Being such a good girl is so not me..
7) life could actually be that much better and happier
8) i really need some shut eye
9) I hate interviews
10) i'm so sick of wearing heels

i think i should stop here before a new wave of ramblings manifests itself in my brain

~vanny~

a new lease of life

2009-03-17T20:56:00.003+08:00

my rainbow seemed nonexistent
it was beautifully broken
to a point where i enjoyed sorrowful joy

then the rainy season came
it brought mud, moss and lots of sorrow
however, along with the cold,
it brought my rainbow back

awoken it was by the sun
the sun - a realization, a dawn, a new lease of life
thank you sun..for bringing me my rainbow back

it will be nothing simple or easy
my rainbow had and still has lots to endure
but i will not force it
to be there for me in the sky
i will take it on a slow ride across space..
because even rainbows need time to grow, reflect and blossom

my rainbow is my place of security, solitude and protection
if anything were to happen to it again after i have gotten it back
- i will only be thrusted deeper into the misty lands of the unknown

then...

i will disappear..
evaporate..
because life will mean nothing to me anymore

Beautifully Broken

2009-03-15T21:23:00.001+08:00

It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday I didnt know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow I may not get by
But I will try
I will try to wipe the tears from my eyes

I'm beautifully broken and I don't mind if you know it
I'm beautifully broken and I don't care if I show it

Every day is a new day I'm reminded of my past
Everytime theres another storm I know that it wont last
Every moment I'm filled with hope
cause i get another chance
But I will try I will try
Got nothing left to hide

Without the highs and the lows
Where will we go?
Where will we go?

I am beautifully broken, I am beautifully broken
I am beautifully broken and I don't care if I show it

Oh no..

2009-03-12T23:08:00.002+08:00

Im back to square one
i really do not know what to do or think
my insides just crumbled again
i don't know whether it crumbled from happiness or hurt
now i have to rebuild it again
this time from nothing
cuz i have nothing left
except for that little glimmer of hope
which was fading by the milisecond
but what? now it has been given a new lease of life?

that little glimmer of hope is so confusing
one time it says this, another that
who am i to believe
my intuition
my heart
my mind
or you?

i really do not know what to do
i didn't know life could turn around and pull this on me
i don't want it to make me feel happy and betrayed at the same time
right now i only want to take care of myself

myself
myself
myself

I am the most important thing right now

not this, or that or everything else

it has always been - give it some time
how much time?
i won't be here forever

if you want it
then get it with a true heart and with feelings that are nothing but pure and sacred
do not play around with it
you might just lose it

i am so lost

i don't know what to do

i thought i had it under control

then came that little glimmer of hope

now i have dropped deeper into the misty lands of the unknown

no one can help me

i am all by myself

except for that glimmer of hope

why...WHY?

i want that glimmer of hope to shine brighter than the brightest star
i want that glimmer of hope to make miracles happen
only the miracles that i hope would happen

that glimmer of hope has showed me only the tip of my miracle
i want it to show me, give me more
but i'm scared that it will dessert me yet again

im all alone

only God can help me now

other than that I will just have to keep telling myself that i only have to be myself
cuz only when i do that will i be sane...

2009-03-10T19:26:00.001+08:00

how dare you
how dare you
how dare you

i don't ever wanna see your face here again

you have no right having a say in my life

i don't want your opinions or you thoughts

just stay away

A Situation

2009-03-07T21:40:00.002+08:00

Guys help me out here. I need to figure this out.

(Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with me or my personal life, OK. Just helping a friend in need)

There is A
There is B
There is C

A is a girl (oh yes, it's one of these kind of situations..)
B and C are guys.

A used to be with B
Now they are best friends

A met C and now they are best friends too
A thinks that C likes her but is not entirely sure because he drops hints but she doesn't want to be too hopeful
A thinks that she likes C however C doesn't meet her expectations
But A thinks that C is such a nice guy.

B and C might know each other
Because C's best friend used to be B's housemate

A, somewhere deep in her heart still cares for and has feelings for B - although not as strong as before..but it's still there
A is afraid that B will find out about C and not be happy
A doesn't want B to get angry with her
Because B is not on good terms with C's best friend which used to be his housemate

But A wants to let go of B and be happy with C
She is just afraid that the both of them will end up not being happy with her

What to do?

(Again, please bear in mind the disclaimer above. I am just helping a friend in need)

The Inside of Me - Emancipated

2009-03-03T17:39:00.003+08:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again..
Being myself was the only thing I could do and be sane
And by being myself I have rediscovered my soul, my wants and my needs
I didn't realise that by being myself I could feel so free
I didn't realise that by being myself I could feel so at ease with the world
..especially you..
..emancipated..

I smile more these days
I laugh more these days
I talk with a happy heart these days
I don't feel so burdened these days
Unburdened of time, attitude and studies
I smile more these days..

I don't have to care if people say things
Because right now nothing is true
Because I know that it doesn't apply to me even though they think it does
I smile in satisfaction when I see things that they don't
I know you smile too
But behind it I can see that you are uncomfortable
Because what they say, you don't like
Because what they think, you don't like
Smile all you want
But I know what's going through your mind

Can't you see I'm so happy now
Can't you see how tall I am now - the burdens on my shoulders are not pulling me down anymore
Maybe this should have happened a long time ago

I didn't realise how all of this would open so many doors for me
Now i see a clearer view of the whole picture
I have not forgotten what you said about seeing the whole picture
Because you turned around and went against your words

It's ok however
The world is at my feet
Now its my turn to explore it and make my own mistakes and decisions
You will still be there
But only as an observer

I smile more these days..

~Vanny has officially let go~

Sorrowful Joy

2009-02-28T12:50:00.003+08:00

how should I describe it?
where should I start?
confusing? stupid? downright wrong?
..........................................................................................................................................................................

times have been hard on me
when i thought that i was done with it
i remember and i come back to square one

it's really difficult
for me to remember everything
i go into a mode of depression
even the security and comfort of my 'little corner' doesn't entice me
........................................................................................................................................

people think they know everything that is happening
they think that one is being used and the other useless
but things have such a deeper meaning and you only see the surface
you don't understand the things that go on at the bottom of the endless pit of sorrowful joy
..........................................................................................................................................................................

i have come to that point
where i enjoy sorrowful joy
..........................................................................................................................................................................

people close to me have been trying to help me
move me back to the right path
i thank them so much
but things are easier said, told than done
and i am stubborn
..........................................................................................................................................................................

the world is so unfair
i wish it never happened
(and here only i myself will know what i am talking about)
..........................................................................................................................................................................

i need help
only from one person
however
i also need freedom
also from the same person
only when this person sees what i am really going through inside will this person give me the help and freedom i need
~sad~
..........................................................................................................................................................................

in front of you i smile
a mere facade
but inside i cry
the blades of my tears slowly slicing my heart away
..........................................................................................................................................................................

..disintegrating..

mysterious?

2009-02-28T12:46:00.002+08:00

Ive had a few friends tell me that my blog is somewhat mysterious (???) cuz you never know who im talking about or what Im talking about..is that so? hmm, i agree sometimes i never talk directly about what's on my mind but all the time? then that is what it shall be then. it's quite nice though when people need to think about what you are writing about (~evil smirk~). it's just that i would like to express myself but at the same time not tell you guys what i need to let out. get it? or was that a mysterious statement as well?

2009-02-08T14:20:00.003+08:00

i need to break free

i need to get out

i need to love me

i need to cry

i need to trust myself

i need to forget

i need to stop

i don't want to hope

i don't want to wait

i don't want to hurt

i need to break free

i need to get out

i need to love me

i need to cry

i need to trust myself

i need to forget

i need to stop..

CNY 2009

2009-02-01T10:47:00.002+08:00

hey guys...CNY was a blast! but too lazy to write about it la..visit my facebook, the pictures are all there..

Happy Chinese New Year!

~vanny~

An ode which is not quite an ode for a person

2009-01-16T21:53:00.004+08:00

(Note: This is a post that will show me at my most vulnerable. It shows what my soul is going through at the moment. However, I hope my readers will not link the person I am talking about to a certain someone. The happenings in the past few days will certainly make you think that it is about that person when it actually might not. All I ask from my readers is an open mind when reading this post because I feel that only here will I be able to express myself fully without having to think about consequences.)

It was the hardest thing I had to do, developing an open mind between you and me
I was confused and hurt about all the things I heard and said
I hated the assumptions - whether by myself or by other people..I hated it
I hated how I wasn't being myself when I knew that only by doing that will I be sane..that was so foolish of me
You were there for me since the beginning as you are right now at this moment
You were with me at my darkest hours
You were with me when I went through the craziest stage of my life
You were with me when I was happy
You were always with me and you still are
Maybe that's why people find it hard to believe that after all that we've been through, you and I are still there for each other
But isn't that what friends are for?
Friends...
Something that I still have to get used to
But lately it has been becoming easier
You are starting to sort out your things and I mine
And right now all I can hope for you is that you keep having a balance in your life - don't ever lose that balance because it will be hard to get back
I also hope that I can find this same balance that you are on your way to finding
No amount of 'thank yous' will do justice to you
You have opened my eyes to the world around me and my heart to the people I love
You made me rediscover my soul which was in deep need of attention and care
That is something that cannot be repaid in any form possible
All I can hope is that the ties between us are stronger than ever
And hope that nothing will set us apart
Nothing..
Thanks for your shoulders
Thanks for your sleeves
Thanks for making me smile in sad and frustrating times
Thanks for the security that only you can provide me
Thanks for standing up for me and protecting me through the two events that happened recently
Thanks for being patient with me
Thanks for just being there for me whenever I needed you
I'm sorry for all the hurtful things I said to you
It was never meant to hurt you
It was only a means of letting my frustrations out
The sad part is that I took it out on you
I'm so sorry..
I know you are also trying
I appreciate it
Remember that I am always here for you no matter what

All I need is time
And you have given me that

Thanks..

Rihanna concert!

2009-01-09T21:19:00.003+08:00

that is like the best thing that has happened to me these past few days. and these past few days have been hectic for me alright.. was so happy when i purchased the tickets to Rihanna's concert! have been waiting for her to come here for so long. thank goodness i didn't go to her concert in singapore last year. that would have been such a waste of money. jean told me that she would be going but she bought the very very very expensive tickets which were definitely out of my budget..thank god for a friend who agreed to go with me. even though he, i don't think, really likes rihanna. used to drive him crazy singing 'umbrella'. hehe..

at least now i have some motivation to finish my assignment cuz it's due the day of her concert. no more last minute work!!

umbrella, ella, ella...

;-)

thanks my rihanna concert going friend..u know who u are..

my own space

2009-01-06T19:32:00.002+08:00

i know how people have been wondering..

wondering..

wondering..

about what i have absolutely no idea..

but one thing i'm definitely sure about..

a person's private life is out of bounds..

so take your 'nosyness' somewhere else..

if you want to know the truth, it is only appropriate for the person mentioned to wait for a time that is suitable for a "tell-all" session..

and for those other people who have been saying bad things, i know whatever it is you are thinking and whatever it is you have been spreading..malicious, untrue, stupid and unnecessary..

just thought to inform you that these things hurt and people have feelings..

you might not like me but it is not compulsory for you to show it especially if you do not know me..

i am not one to bear grudges..

but this is unbearable..

My own 40 days of mourning

2008-12-30T20:41:00.002+08:00

Like the state of Negeri Sembilan, I am also having my own '40 days of mourning'. Of course this is me, figuratively speaking. There is hurt, tears and lots of unanswered questions but I am not wearing black. Instead, I am on the way to a quick recovery, hopefully living life better and to its fullest. Because I have realised the reason behind the incident and am feeling much better. However, I think that this '40 days of mourning' is essential in order for me to 'break free', so to speak.

Dede, thanks lots.

On a lighter note, it's new year's eve tomorrow! but i have no friends to go out with. Sob..I do not know how to celebrate it in my own way. anyone wanna go out? just give me a holler.

Patience..

2008-12-26T15:45:00.002+08:00

i know it has been such a long time since i updated my blog but you guys just have to be patient cuz I'm stuck in a place where the internet is a rarity. i'm now using someone's wifi...thanks to whoever that is. no worries, updates will be abundant because classes will be starting back soon..on such a day i have no idea why..

Of a Birthday, Phuket and a manly-woman mannequin (?) PART 3

2008-12-01T18:52:00.003+08:00

M and I went to KLCC yesterday. needless to say, we enjoyed ourselves. oh, and twilight..first it was a bit boring..but then it becomes interesting and the cliffhanger at the end of the movie makes you want to know what happens next..u guys should go and watch it la..romantic, funny..did i just make it sound like a girl's movie? but you all should go and watch it.

so we were in Isetan doing some shopping when we came across this mannequin. it got us thinking whether we were still at the ladies section. but we had to be cuz it was wearing a dress. why did it puzzle us?

I don't know if it was just us cuz the mannequin looks manly..the shoulders are too broad for a woman. don't you think so? it looks like a man wearing a woman's dress. and it wasn't just this one, the others looked like this too..M said that maybe they ran out of woman mannequins so they just took the man mannequins and chopped the head off and put a dress on it..lol..

weird..

Of a Birthday, Phuket and a manly-woman mannequin (?) PART 2

2008-12-01T18:05:00.013+08:00

My family and I then went to Phuket for a long-deserved holiday. personally, i was excited cuz i got to sit on an aeroplane after god knows how long. except for some family who i'm not sure whether it was their first time on a plane or theyw were just plain weird, the flight went well. we stayed in the Mariott Vacation Club in Khao Lak Beach. the hotel was amazing, the staff were friendly (which they are supposed to, right?) and the room was gorgeous and H-U-G-E.

In the Plane..poor vic..she looks like she just got inflated..lol

Poor dad..got subjected to our pic taking session

when we reached the hotel, the staff gave us some hand garlands which were so beautiful. the white flowers which they used were so unique and unusual.

yes those are flowers. coudn't get a clearer shot. they just look like some popcorn right..anyone know the name of the flower?

we were served fruit punch while checking in

yummy!

we (well, my sisters and I) had a nice time exploring the room. did you know that they even provided us with a microwave, rice cooker (lol), washing machine and dryer? we were eqipped with everything and saved us some money hehe..

we were greeted by a cute towel elephant.

my room

the view from our room

the view at night

so here are some interesting things i saw when i was there..

when we went to Tesco Lotus just to have a look around, i came across a baby powder with a very strange name..

Natural and mild ???

sweety pink???

I'm not sure if Thailand is rich or something but it seems to have pure bred dogs as strays..

such a cute and adorable shih tzu..but no owner?

I also saw a poodle and it was also a stray..hmm..

after having lunch in a restaurant, we came upon this funny signboard..

can't read it?

LOL

what's an island without a beach?

you can't see it here but the waves were huge and scary

those are just some of the pics we took in phuket..i was glad to be home. i had enough of the "sawadee ka". not in a bad way..was just happy to be back in a familiar place with food i know the names to..hehe..

(Note: no offence was meant)

to be continued..

Of a Birthday, Phuket and a manly-woman mannequin (?) PART 1

2008-12-01T15:24:00.011+08:00

You guys know about my struggle to find something exciting to do for my birthday (and yes people, i am 365 days older but that doesn't mean I'm a year wiser lol ) . So on THE day I woke up looking forward to doing nothing when my sisters surprised me with a little something..

hehe..they got my age wrong buy it's the thought that counts right..the small words at the bottom of the card says "PS will get your green tea ice-cream later. hehehe". I kinda told them one day in HaagenDazs that I would love to one day try the green tea ice-cream. so I think they made a pact that day to get me the green tea ice-cream for my birthday. how cute of them!

Mum gave me this. it was at the right time cuz I really needed to get some perfume. lol

Then my saviour Des called to ask me whether i wanted to go out. of course i did and off to pavilion we went. We wanted to watch a movie but the choices were kinda boring so i decided to go have something to eat (Des- "it's your birthday so you decide what to do today. i can do anything and eat anything. you just say and we will go." how sweet..). after like, 30 minutes of mind boggling thinking of where to eat (can you blame us? we're both blur as blur can be), we finally went to..oh what was it called?..Rain nudle house izit?..cuz we haven't been there before. Found out that it was mostly thai food there. Poor Des had a hard time cuz she can't really take chilli. We talked as though there was no tomorrow lol. we went window shopping and gossiping about alot of things. (Remember to read more of CLEO des hehe..). we decided to lepak somewhere to rest our feet so we went to JCo. I had to go for dinner with my family then so that's how our little outing ended. i thought that we had lots of fun cuz it was quite awhile that we went out like that and for that long. hehe..

it's just now that I realised that we didn't take any pictures! a lot of candid moments were wasted..

Des ur the best!

Since I was already in pavilion, my family and I decided to go to TGI Friday's for dinner..it was most embarrasing when my dad told the staff that it was my birthday..and they made me stand on a chair and sang happy birthday and so like the whole restaurant knew it was my birthday! they also made fun of me which made it that much fun!

Tina, Vic, Mum and Dad

Tina and Me

Vic and Me

With Mum and Dad

all of us

all I can say that this was definitely a better birthday than the last..enjoyed every moment of it!

to be continued..

Einstein's back!

2008-11-20T23:14:00.005+08:00

my dear little einstein is staying with me for 4 days! im so happy cuz haven't seen him for soo long..get to be his mommy again. all was well until we went out for dinner and when we came back we found out that he pee-d all over..that got my mum furious! he wasn't the cute einstein anymore cuz we were all in a &%#$^ mood..so he was relegated (can i say that?) to the back balcony...poor guy..but all was well cuz he's just too cute to be mad at. and it wasn't entirely his fault cuz he wasn't used to the place yet..he did all the look cute and make big puppy eyes thing at us..come on! who couldn't resist that?

here's some pics of einstein (note: he looks much better in real life. i just didn't know how to take the pics from the best angles)

here's he's looking at my mum who's eating some keropok..look at the longing in his eyes...

now he's sleeping snuggly in his blanket..he looks so peaceful.. :-)

oh yeah this afternoon had to drive to lcct cuz had to pick my relatives who juz came bak from sabah..i was so excited that i could actually drive long distance for once..followed my father and pepole who have seen me driving know that i don't like going fast..i prefer to be a snail(yes, i;m one of those kind of drivers) but i was like driving at 120-140 km/h!!..u may scoff at it but that was toooo fast for me..i was like "i'm gonna die! i'm gonna die!!!" but enjoyed the thrill anyways hehe..even at the corners i was like 120 and still excelerating..wow! thank goodness i came home in one piece. but seriously...my first time on the highway and going that fast...only god knows how fast i will drive if i have my own car..

time is running out and i still haven't figured out what to do! i'll just hv to succumb to watching reruns on tv...shit..

Cookie Madness!

2008-11-19T15:56:00.007+08:00

I had nothing to do today (again) so finally decided to bake some yummy chocolate chip cookies! was very enthusiastic..you know, to see my creation begin to take shape. i was so excited when i put the chocolate chips in the mixture...had a few like that (hehe). when i finally had to bake them the recipe said to put large spoonfuls of the dough and flatten a bit with a fork..so i put a huge dollop and flattened it with all my expertise...lo and behold when i put it in the oven it sort of melted because of the heat and turned into like this flat expanse of cookie that looked like a chocolate chip cake than chocolate chip cookies..i was like..oh shit what have i done..disaster! i thought to myself that i can throw away any aspirations of being a baker out the window! then i strated to panic when the sides were already brown but the middle wasn't...u could imagine the amount of thinking i put my brain to today (and this is amazing considering the lack of brain cells i have been using lately). and it was all soft. aren't cookies supposed to be hard? oh well..i thought my cookies looked like they were inedible so that really made my day.sob..

this was what the first batch looked like..

oh god it's all out of shape and looks like some omelette or something...im really really not an expert..so, with the experience of the first batch of cookies being way out of size and porportions, i became a little smarter and made the next batch much much smaller..

now this one looks more like delicious looking cookies! yummy!! not bad huh for the second attempt. sometimes i become like an 'over-perfectionist' so i didn't like it when the top wasnt brown enough so i put it in the oven toaster ( :-P) just to make it look that much better..did i cheat? oh well...but it tastes great! my sis was like waiting to devour it ( and i mean devour). and the advice i got from a 9 year old was "it has too much chocolate". that's funny considering she loves chocolate and she was the one who asked me to put that much of chocolate chips inside.. i guess we all just like to comment on something especially when that someone really didn't think she did well..that's my sis!

is making cookies really that tiring..cuz i was beat after cleaning up..i don't know how people can say they enjoy baking..it's hard work!

maybe i'll just visit the bakery next time..c ya!

A Quest!

2008-11-18T15:28:00.002+08:00

i have got no idea what to do for my birthday. it usually shouldn't be so hard to think about- who wouldn't want a day full of activities with a fabulous birthday party that never seems to end. unfortunately, this year...im broke (SOB...) lookin for cheap alternatives but everything that so far i thought might be cheap costs at least 200-300. !!!..i've hit an absolute low. i thought of going for paintball but..yup u guessed it..still too expensive for me right now.

there goes my fun-filled day of activities...

however, i won't give up so easily and am still finding for alternatives..right now, i only want the experience of a fun birthday rather that the glamoures-ness or the expensive-ness. it has not been easy though. i don't want to just sit at home and watch tv! movies is fine but i still want something out of the ordinary.

anybody have any ideas?

maybe i should go for a picnic at the lake..or watch both sunrise and sunset..or go bungee jumping (i really want to do this! but there i go again, asking for too much)..maybe i should just go and bake some cookies like some old granny..

i don't want a boring birthday!

HELP!!!!!

a try..

2008-11-17T18:24:00.000+08:00

seems like everyone is blogging...isn't blogging a kind of diary writing except that it's for the public?
well..this is a first attempt after 'henna'...kinda got a shock after doing that cuz of some unforeseen circumstances but am now brave enough to face the challenges of thinking-of-something-to-write-for-the-sake-of-updating-my-blog.

philosophical thoughts from me? only when i'm in that "ting" (lightbulb) moment but hey...don't underestimate me, i can write things that will make you sit up and wonder..

other than that we'll just see what comes..

happy reading!